Yes. I am angry

Six days have passed since a gunman opened fire at an Allen mall, killing eight people and wounding seven — leaving the community to grapple with the second-deadliest mass shooting in the United States this year, reads the opening lead of the Dallas Morning News.

For days I have struggled to sit in my morning practice. I’ve wanted to feel connected with the Holy and have resisted at the same time, creating a boundary with tension in my body and anger in my soul. I’ve read the prayers of hope offered by the faithful in this time of tragic death. I’ve listened to words of consolation for the traumatized and grieving. And, I am oh so grateful for these eloquent faith leaders. Because I am lacking hope amid the voices lifting hollow words of “thoughts and prayers” that echo in repetition and without substance.

For days my anger has tempted me with hatred, and worse, apathy. Apathy to throw up my hands in resignation and live in fear of this rampant gun violence as it continues to move closer and closer. Hatred that leads me to demonize those in power who refuse to listen, refuse to take action, who cling to their power and the proceeds of gun manufacturing. My hatred tempts me to other-ize and reduce the humanity of those who lack the courage and empathy to create an environment for preventing this unabated violence and whose only solution is more guns.

I don’t like feeling hatred. It contradicts what I strive for in faith. Yet, after days of wrestling, God pins down my anger – I find my connection with the Holy who rages, too. And with the assurance from Psalm 139:18 that when I come to the end – I am with you still, I lean into what follows. Verses rarely read aloud because they make us uncomfortable. Yet without them, I deceive myself and disconnect from humanity with a false piety.

O that you would kill the wicked, O God, and that the bloodthirsty would depart from me –
those who speak of you maliciously, and lift themselves up against you for evil.
Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against you? I hate them with a perfect hatred; I count them my enemies.

 And yet, such honesty is incomplete and finds no comfort or trust without the words that follow:

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any wicked way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
Psalm 139: 19-24

My hope is in laying all that I am at the feet of God who is with me still. God who listens and transforms my anger into the Holy rage of faithful action in word and deed. Action through prayer, building awareness, voting for those who will work for the common good, and doing what I can to water the seeds of mercy and justice in community.

Until I get there, I know God is with me still, searching the wicked ways in me, transforming me to lead me in the way everlasting.

in this together…